Every couple argues. Even couples that feel satisfied and happy in their relationship argue from time to time.
When arguing is done the right way, it can be healthy for your relationship. It allows you to work through things with your partner and resolve any underlying issues you might be dealing with.
Unfortunately, arguing the “right way” isn’t always as easy as it seems in the heat of the moment. When you’re already arguing, it’s tempting to escalate things because you’re angry or frustrated.
Unfortunately that typically makes things worse. It may cause more significant, lasting wounds to your relationship.
How can you de-escalate an argument before it gets out of hand? How can you work on getting through your disagreements productively instead?
1. Focus On Your Feelings
Instead of hashing out the facts of the argument, focus on how you feel. Tell your partner how you’re feeling. It’s not always an easy or comfortable thing to do, but it can make a big difference.
When you become accusatory in an argument, it’s tempting to start using “you” statements. That often causes your partner to become defensive, which leads both of you to focus on arguing instead of listening. It’s helpful to use more “I” statements in your arguments.
When you vulnerably express how you feel, it can help you and your partner connect instead of driving you apart. It helps you and your partner to remember how much you care for each other as people. Remember, an argument doesn’t mean that you want to hurt each other.
You’re on the same team. You might have different ideas about how to get to the same conclusion. By bringing honest, vulnerable feelings into an argument, it can calm down quickly.
2. Take Responsibility When It’s Warranted
Sometimes it can feel like you’re not getting anywhere in your argument. That’s usually because no one is willing to take responsibility for the issues at hand.
There isn’t always necessarily a “right and wrong” in an argument. Sometimes, you might merely disagree about things. But, if you’re arguing over a problem in your relationship, don’t be afraid to take ownership where it’s due.
No one is perfect. Though it can be hard to admit when you’ve made a mistake or should have done something differently, it is an instant way to de-escalate an argument. You won’t have to stress over being on the defensive, and your partner will appreciate that you care enough about the relationship to swallow your pride and take responsibility.
3. Ask Your Partner Questions
One of the best things you can do to de-escalate an argument is to understand your partner’s point of view. Of course, that is often a challenging request.
If you don’t understand where they’re coming from or why they are so adamant about their opinion(s), ask them! Asking questions during an argument will not only stop some of the heated exchanges, but it will show your partner that you have a genuine interest in how they’re feeling. It will show them that you want to work through this without having a huge fight.
When you can understand where the other person is coming from, you’re less likely to raise your voice or say things you will later regret.
Again, it’s perfectly normal to argue. When you know how to do it in an effective way, it can strengthen your relationship and help you to have more productive disagreements in the future.
If you continually struggle with heated arguments, knowing how to de-escalate them is an excellent place to start. When things move to a calmer state, you can work through your issues productively and continue to grow and move forward in your relationship.
—
For more help communicating with your partner and de-escalating arguments, contact us today. Couples counseling session with the relationship experts at Serenity EFTC can guide you and your partner toward de-escalation, increasing your connection and satisfaction.