Many couples who enter into counseling together may wonder, “Is this really going to work?” Are you and your partner one of those couples who are asking this question too?
Understandably, you might question whether couples counseling will honestly be effective. You’ve probably heard plenty of stories from family or friends where counseling didn’t help save the relationship.
The truth is that there is no magic wand that “fixes” your situation. However, many factors play a role in relationship recovery.
These factors can make or break whether or not couples counseling will work.
Waiting Too Long
Research shows that couples who wait too long to go to couples counseling will find that it doesn’t work. One researcher has extensively studied this issue and even has a number to assign to “too long.”
Dr. John Gottman has found that it takes couples up to six years before seeing a therapist about their problems. That’s six years way too long! That means there is much more time for each partner to become further entrenched in mindsets that are destructive to the relationship, such as:
- Blaming your partner for problems in the relationship
- Arguing and fighting about the same things
- Holding onto grudges and resentments
- Using negative ways to cope with the problem (i.e., ignoring it, pushing it aside, substance use)
Like with many problems, it’s most helpful for couples to start working on these issues when they first arise.
Listening to Your Partner
It’s crucial that you are willing to listen to your partner. Without genuine, open listening, neither of you can begin the work to resolve the problem.
Furthermore, when you don’t listen, you shut out your partner and dismiss them. You send the message that their concerns are either not worthy of attention. Or, you think that they are not problems at all. What this means is the cycle of hurt feelings and pain continues.
Unfortunately, many couples are not willing to admit the issue. Usually, at least one partner can’t or won’t listen to their partner’s concerns. The result is that couples counseling isn’t successful.
Valuing the Therapist
Another critical factor in whether couples counseling works is how much value you place on your therapist. Both of you must value the perspective of the therapist. That means being willing to hear what they have to say.
Even if the counselor doesn’t take “your side” (note: an effective couples counselor doesn’t take either side.) it’s important that you trust the couples counselor. All too often, many partners dismiss what the therapist says because they actually don’t have a high opinion of them (and the process) at all. What does this mean?
- Perhaps you believe your therapy session is a waste of time.
- You think the therapist doesn’t truly understand your issues or respect your perspective.
- Going to therapy was your partner’s idea, and you’re just going along because you have to.
- The therapist has it “out for you.”
It’s important to find a couples counselor that feels like a good match for each person in the relationship. Research shows that the quality of the therapeutic relationship is one of the most important factors in how effective counseling is. It isn’t helpful to go to therapy but refuse to be honest or hold resentment or grudges against the therapist.
Acknowledging Your Actions
For those couples who do find success in therapy, both partners must acknowledge how their actions have affected the relationship.
That can be challenging to do when you are entrenched in a mindset that the other partner is entirely to blame for the relationship’s problems. It’s easier to blame the partner in therapy, but that doesn’t bode well for the relationship in the long term.
Does couples counseling really work? The short answer is, “Yes, but it depends.” Couples therapy requires a commitment by both partners to participate actively and engage in a meaningful dialogue. It’s also important the therapist is effective and trained in a method of couples counseling that is backed by research.
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If you both want to change and improve the relationship, reach out today to learn more about how couples counseling can help and to see if one of the highly trained couples counselors at Serenity EFTC is a good fit for your relationship.