Deciding to go to couples counseling can be a scary step. After all, you know it will require that you involve an additional person in the struggles and frustrations of your most intimate relationships. You may wonder if a counselor can really help you navigate the difficulties of your life together.
The situation feels even more confusing when you start looking for a therapist. You may not want to ask friends for recommendations due to confidentiality issues about your life. But just browsing through therapists’ names and websites isn’t helping you decide, either.
Here are helpful steps to take to find the right couples therapist to help you through this maze.
Identify What You Want
As with any important thing in life, be clear about what you want to find in therapy before starting. Talk with your partner(s) about this. You know you need help. Take time to identify what’s driving this. Are you or your partners having a difficult time navigating the increased demands of having a polyamorous relationship? Are there persistent disagreements that only get worse with time? Or is there a big issue you can’t find a resolution on?
It’s vital not to wait to go to counseling until you’re on the brink of splitting up. When you start to struggle, reach out for help sooner rather than later.
Interview Questions
Suppose you were in a job interview, whether as the seeker or the employer, you’d have important questions to ask. In the same way, knowing what to ask a potential therapist helps identify if they’re the right fit.
What kind of training have you had?
Unfortunately, many therapists claim that they are couples or marriage counselors but don’t actually have the appropriate training. Couples counseling is a very different thing than individual therapy.
An actual couples counselor will have specific, appropriate training. They will have gone through supervised clinical work, where they receive feedback from other counselors. This experience helps them work with multiple people at a systems level, benefiting all people in the relationship.
How do you approach therapy?
Not all counselors take the same approach to couples counseling. You’ll want to know if they can help you identify root problems and address them at a deep level. Find out if they work with you to create a plan of action. How do they help you evaluate the progress of therapy?
How many of your clients are couples?
This question can help narrow down just how much experience a potential therapist genuinely has. If most of their clients are individuals, and not couples, they may not be as skilled as you want them to be.
What is your experience with poly relationships? How does your therapeutic approach to poly relationships differ from monogamous couples?
It’s important the couples counselor is poly-affirming. Unfortunately, some counselors still have prejudices against polyamory. It’s vital the therapist you see if validating. You and your partners deserve to have a positive experience in counseling.
It’s also important the therapist have experience counseling polyamorous relationships. Adding more than two people in the relationship is naturally different in some ways. While many issues are the same as in monogamous relationships, there are additional considerations. An experienced poly-affirming counselor can help guide you through these issues.
Be Persistent and Assertive
Healing a struggling relationship takes commitment and persistence. If you don’t like the first counselor you meet, it’s okay to keep looking. After all, it’s your relationships on the line.
Don’t be tempted by conveniences such as scheduling or location. Finding the right person to walk with you through this time is more crucial than those things. (And, with the rise in teletherapy, location may not be as much of an issue as it used to be.)
Likewise, it’s okay to be assertive in communicating with your therapist. If you don’t feel like their approach is working, tell them. And, once you find someone you’re comfortable with, stick to therapy for a few months before giving up. Studies have shown that it can take 8-10 sessions to experience improvements.
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As a poly-affirming therapist, I encourage you to reach out to me if your relationship is struggling. Over the years, I’ve helped those in poly relationships navigate through the challenges and rewards of this type of relationship structure. Serenity EFTC offers relationship counseling in Colorado.