Your attachment style is formed very early on in life. Attachment theory is the idea that how we bond and connect with our earliest caregivers can influence our relationships throughout life. Typically, that means that the bond you form with your caregiver(s) can set the course for how well you bond with other people.
There are different attachment styles to consider — avoidant, anxious, disorganized, and secure.
While all of these styles typically stem from childhood, understanding them as an adult can make it easier to determine why you might have trouble dating. Or, why you seem to have a pattern when it comes to the type of people you date.
Let’s take a closer look at attachment styles and how they show up in dating.
Avoidant
When you have an avoidant attachment style, you typically don’t feel like you need to form a close relationship with anyone. You might hide your feelings and keep people at arm’s length to avoid them from getting too close.
When you’re dating someone, your avoidant attachment style might make you seem untrusting or cold. You might even accuse your partner of being clingy or needy when they simply want to be close or spend time with you.
An avoidant attachment style typically develops from parents who ignore your emotional needs. When a child reaches out for help, an avoidant parent backs away, so that child learns to do the same.
Anxious
When a child grows up with parents who are emotionally unavailable, they can quickly start to become anxious. They might fear that they’ll be left alone or that no one cares for them. They might not fully understand why their caregivers act that way, and they might be uncertain about what to expect next.
That often carries over into adult relationships. People with anxious attachment styles typically have low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment. As you might expect, that can spell disaster when it comes to dating. You might come across as clingy or jealous, and you might “need” in order to feel secure, putting a lot of pressure on them and your relationship.
Disorganized
Child abuse and trauma are more common and prominent than most people realize. Victims of child abuse might develop disorganized attachment styles.
Parents and caregivers are meant to keep children safe. They need to be a source of comfort and security. When they end up being a source of abuse, instead, it can leave a child confused.
As an adult, that can make you crave closeness in your relationships, but you also fear getting hurt. You might also worry that the person you’re dating will harm you, so you don’t trust easily. Some people with disorganized attachment styles even end up sabotaging their relationships because they’re so afraid of getting hurt.
Secure
A secure attachment develops when parents or caregivers respond to the emotional needs of a child. The child learns they can count on their caregiver, but they’re also given room to be independent and explore their world.
As an adult, a secure attachment tends to lead to healthier dating relationships. You can enjoy mutual love and trust in your relationship, and won’t fear your partner leaving. You’re also more likely to be comfortable with open communication, and you’ll have strong self-esteem that won’t cause you to become overly dependent.
Obviously, a secure attachment style is desirable when it comes to any relationship. But, if you developed a different attachment style early in life, it’s not too late to make a change and experience healthy dating relationships.
The best part? You don’t have to do it on your own.
If any of the attachment styles listed here have impacted your dating life, feel free to Contact Us for more information or to set up a complimentary consultation.