As the old saying goes, a leopard can’t change its spots. But, as human beings, we’re often inclined to give people two or three chances in life, even if they’ve wronged us in the past. That’s especially true for people we really care about.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with a narcissist, you’ve undoubtedly been hurt by their words or actions more than once. But, it can be hard to close the door to those relationships completely, especially if those individuals make promises to change or do better.
But, can a narcissist actually change?
Signs of a Narcissist
First, it’s important to understand what a narcissist really is. Unfortunately, it’s a label that tends to get thrown around a lot without people really knowing what a true narcissist looks like.
While signs can vary slightly, narcissists have a high level of self-importance. They tend to believe they are superior to just about everyone, and have no problem belittling the feelings or opinions of others. They need constant validation and praise, and have a hard time handling criticism.
Even when something is their fault, they tend not to accept it. Rather, they’ll shift the blame elsewhere, never believing that they could be the problem.
The Challenge of Changing
It’s possible for almost anyone to change — when they truly want to. One of the biggest challenges a narcissist will face is a lack of self-awareness. Because they don’t want to look at their own flaws, they might think they don’t really need to change. Their sense of entitlement might make them feel like others need to be the ones to make changes instead of them.
Another challenge is motivation. Someone has to truly desire an alteration in their behavior to actually make it happen. Unfortunately, that rarely happens with a narcissist. Even if they suggest that they want to change things to appease a friend, family member, or romantic partner, there’s a good chance the motivation isn’t really there. So, their efforts will fade quickly due to a lack of motivation.
Treading Lightly
If you try to suggest that a narcissist change their behaviors or beliefs, make sure you do so at an appropriate time, and only if you feel safe. While narcissism and abuse don’t always go hand-in-hand, it’s not uncommon for someone who sees no flaws in themselves to become extremely defensive and even angry if someone tries to challenge them in any way.
They might try to put the blame on you, use gaslighting techniques, or make you feel guilty for suggesting they change. Preparing yourself ahead of time for a negative response can make it easier to cope.
What Can Help?
If you know someone who is a narcissist and they truly seem to want to make a change, there are a few things that might make the journey easier. First, don’t expect a change overnight. Small, gradual shifts are likely to be the most successful.
It’s also a good rule of thumb to encourage therapy. A mental health professional can hold a narcissist accountable, help them with coping mechanisms and goals, and even get to the bottom of why they might feel a certain way about themselves.
However, keep in mind that even with the best help, change might not always occur.
Consider focusing on yourself if you’re struggling with any kind of relationship with a narcissistic individual. Therapy might be able to help you better understand how a narcissist can impact your life. It can improve your own sense of self-worth and help you move forward without trying to force change upon a person who doesn’t want it. If you want to learn more or would like to seek help now, Contact Us for a complimentary online consultation.