Most people who get into a relationship aren’t thinking about attachment styles. When you feel like you’ve found someone you enjoy spending time with, you’re likely more focused on those experiences rather than what type of attachment best describes you or your partner.
Understanding your own attachment style can have a bigger impact on your relationship than you might realize. If you’ve never given it much thought before, or you’re not sure why it has such an impact, consider any roadblocks you’ve gone through in past relationships.
Attachment theory refers to your earliest relationships in life — mostly with your caregivers. Your relationship with your primary caregiver sets up your expectations for what love should look like. Everyone has different experiences growing up, therefore, attachment styles are different, too. How can you have a better understanding of your individual attachment style, and why is it important?
What Is Your Attachment Style?
The two main styles of attachment are secure and insecure. Insecure styles can include these types: Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
If your primary caregiver (parent) was always there for you, making you feel loved, safe, and secure, it’s more likely that you’ll have a secure attachment style.
As an adult, that attachment style tends to lead to healthier relationships. You can strike a better balance with your partner and understand that the relationship is about give and take, rather than one person depending on the other for everything. You’ll feel secure in the relationship, and not constantly wondering and/or worrying about when something might go wrong.
If you have an insecure attachment style, it could stem from your caregiver not being there for you as a child. Maybe they didn’t respond to your needs emotionally, or you could have felt alone or unsafe at times.
When you have an insecure attachment style in a relationship, it can manifest itself as in different ways in a relationship. There are a variety of ways this can show up in your relationship and to varying degrees of these examples such as difficulty trusting, co-dependence, or complete independence, etc.
Do You Have an Insecure Attachment Style
Your relationship can be impacted by your attachment style, but it’s not always easy to see that you have an insecure attachment style unless the you have awareness of them.
With that in mind, some of the most common “red flags” when it comes to insecure attachment styles include:
- You rely on your partner for validation
- You can’t function without your partner
- Your relationship is unbalanced
- You are fearful or avoidant
- Your needs always come before your partner’s needs
Do any of those sound familiar? If so, your relationship might be struggling and you might not even realize it. Successful relationships require balance and security. Even if you have the most understanding and patient partner in the world, it can be challenging for a person to maintain cohesion within the relationship.
What Can You Do?
The good news? You can become more aware of your attachment style and learn what kind of impacts it has on you and your relationships. By doing this, you can help to create new attachment styles within those relationships.
That being said, this takes work and practice and therapy can help. A therapist can help stand alongside you as you identify and learn about patterns created in your childhood. Then you can work on how to break free to create new patterns and choices as an adult. Understanding and accepting your current attachment style is important. When you recognize that the challenges in your relationships often stem from your insecurities, digging deep into your past and recognizing where those insecurities come from will make a big difference.
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If you want to learn more about attachment theory or how to understand your attachment style, we’re here to help! Contact us for more information or to set up an appointment with one of our highly skilled therapists. Serenity EFTC offers individual and couples therapy in Colorado.