Sex and the intimacy it brings are important in a healthy relationship. But, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be “in the mood” every night. Society has placed heavy stereotypes and expectations on couples that make sex seem like something you need to do frequently in order to have a healthy relationship.
In reality, every couple is different. It’s about finding something that works for you and your partner.
That starts with open communication—including declining sex when you’re not in the mood. The last thing you should ever do is feel obligated to “give in” to sex with your partner because you feel like it’s the right thing to do, or because you’re worried about hurting their feelings.
It’s okay to say “no”.
But, if you’re worried about making your partner feel rejected, there are ways to decline that will make the experience easier on both of you.
Explain Your Reasoning
Simply giving your partner a “no” is your prerogative, but without telling them why, you could cause some confusion and hurt feelings.
So, take the time to clearly explain why you’re not interested in sex at the moment. If you’re too tired, say it. If you’ve had a long day, tell them. Most partners simply want to know that the “rejection” doesn’t have anything to do with them. Explaining your reasoning(s) could lead to a more intimate and loving conversation that causes you to feel closer.
If your reason does have something to do with your partner, tell them that, too. Yes, it might be a bit awkward, at first. But, if things aren’t going perfectly in your relationship, it’s best to talk about it as soon as possible. Letting problems linger usually causes them to become larger and more difficult to talk about later.
Suggest “Rescheduling”
If a friend asked you to go to dinner and you said “no,” they would probably feel pretty rejected. They might think that you never want to go out with them, or they might be in a state of “limbo” wondering if/when they should ask again.
Think of sex the same way. It might not be the most romantic thing in the world to compare your sex life with your social schedule, but the two are actually pretty similar.
If you don’t want to have sex now, explain that to your partner, and suggest “rescheduling” it for a different time. Nothing needs to be set in stone, but you can give your partner an idea of a time that might work better for you. For example, try suggesting something like, “I’ve been so busy with work lately, could we try this weekend when that big project is behind me?”
Saying something like that offers flexibility and shows your partner that you’re interested, but you want to be fully present for the experience.
Declining Sex Doesn’t Have to Mean Physical Rejection
Just because you don’t want to have sex doesn’t mean you don’t want a physical connection with your partner.
Let them know that.
Maybe you want to cuddle, or you just want them to hold you for a while. Often, a desire for sex stems from the desire to feel close and connected. Finding other ways to express your love physically can make you both feel satisfied and won’t cause your partner to feel rejected.
In fact, occasionally taking sex off the table will remove any pressure from your physical connection. You can focus solely on being present with each other without wondering where it might lead.
Never let yourself feel pressured or obligated into having sex. By saying “no” the right way, you can decline sex effectively without making your partner feel rejected. In the long run, you might even strengthen your relationship and boost your intimacy because of it.
If you struggle with having these conversations with your partner, feel free to contact me to set up an appointment, and we’ll work on moving forward either in your relationship or on your own.