On the surface, people pleasing isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s okay to have a desire to make others happy and to take care of things for other people. But it can also be a sign of something deeper.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to please others. However, when it becomes somewhat of an obsession or a chronic behavior where you put your needs second, it could be a trauma response.
People who have gone through traumatic experiences can use people-pleasing as a way of coping. If you go out of your way for others while walking over your own boundaries and ignoring your needs, it’s time to look more closely at the link between people-pleasing and trauma.
People Pleasing Is a Survival Mechanism
It’s not uncommon for trauma survivors to deal with guilt and shame, even when what they experienced wasn’t their fault. The last thing a trauma survivor wants is to deal with more conflict or run the risk of further trauma. So, they do what they can to gain approval from others and keep situations as even and happy as possible. Sometimes, that involves going extremely out of their way to do something for others, even if it’s at the expense of their own well-being.
Someone who experienced trauma at a young age (like child abuse or neglect) might have learned very early on how to read someone’s mood. For example, if a child has a parent who abuses them, that child will learn what that parent’s triggers are or what to say or do around them when they’re in certain moods to avoid more abuse.
That’s a “skill” a trauma survivor can carry with them into adulthood. Unfortunately, the fear can become so great that you might start to imagine false scenarios or believe certain things about a person’s mood that aren’t realistic.
As a result, you try to please people all of the time because you can’t fully tell when someone is upset or not, and you’re worried about what they might do even if there’s no reason for that fear.
Low Self-Esteem
Those who have gone through traumatic experiences might struggle with insecurities. We all want to feel validated, and people-pleasing is a way to do that. Unfortunately, it can become such a chronic need for trauma survivors that it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more you try to put the needs of others above your own, the more you chip away at your mental and physical well-being. You might start to believe that the things you want and need don’t matter. That creates a vicious cycle that lowers your self-esteem and makes you want to do even more for others to gain some kind of validation.
What Can You Do?
Helping other people isn’t a bad thing. But, when it’s a trauma response, it’s essential to get to the root of the problem.
If you consider yourself a people pleaser, ask yourself how it impacts your life. Do you put others before yourself so much that it makes you feel bad about yourself? Do you often feel like your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors don’t matter to anyone?
Getting to the underlying cause of your people-pleasing behaviors is the solution. If you’ve experienced trauma at any stage of life, these behaviors could be your way of coping. But, they’re not sustainable. You deserve to find freedom and to take care of your needs. That requires negative thoughts and patterns to be broken.
If you’re interested in learning more about the link between people pleasing and trauma, and you’re ready to start your healing journey, please don’t hesitate to Contact Us to set up an appointment soon.