Humans are typically sexual beings by nature. But that doesn’t mean we all view sex the same. Some people see it as a tool for pleasure, with a sort of “end goal” in mind for each experience. Others want the sexual experiences to be more loving and intimate.
Most often sex is a part of an intimate relationship. If you have a secure attachment, you may be able to talk freely with your partner about sex. That includes your desires, needs, and wants. For those with this attachment style, sex may cover everything from receiving pleasure to connecting with someone you love.
As you can see, there are different types of sex that can be present in a relationship. If you’re not satisfied with your sex life, or you feel like something is “missing”, it’s crucial to understand the type of sex you’re having.
The more you know about your own attachment style, as well as your partner’s, the easier it will be to work things out with your sex life so both of you can find the fulfillment you’re looking for.
With that in mind, let’s dive deeper into those styles and the type of sex they can cause.
Sex as a Source of Pleasure
People who see sex solely as a source of physical pleasure may mostly be interested in reaching orgasm. These individuals probably have an avoidant attachment style. They may avoid a lot of emotions, especially in their sexual experiences.
If you’re one of these people, you might see sex as release, rather than a way to feel more connected with your partner. Alternatively, if your partner is this way, they might not like it when you show emotion during sex, or if you want to talk about your deeper feelings surrounding it.
It might make them uncomfortable, which can cause them to withdraw. As you might expect, that can cause a strain on your relationship, even outside of the bedroom.
Sex as a Way to Receive Validation
If you or your partner view sex as a way to strengthen your self-worth, you might be dealing with an anxious attachment style.
This particular style can wreak havoc on your relationship, both in your sex life and everyday situations. You might struggle with feeling good enough for your partner, or sensitive to sexual rejection.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you also probably can’t stand getting into arguments. You might automatically assume the relationship is over or “doomed”, and can’t feel calm again until the disagreement is resolved.
Unfortunately, this type of attachment style can also lead to an unhealthy sex life and a tense relationship.
A Healthy Sex Life
People with a secure attachment style often tend to have the most satisfying sex life, because they’re open about it. They can talk about sex with their partner and express their needs, wants, and desires. They use sex as a way to receive pleasure, but it’s more than that. It is a way to feel closer to their partner.
When you have a secure attachment style, you are more likely to have serious conversations about sex, but you can also laugh about it, get playful, and not be afraid to try new things with each other. You don’t have a fear of rejection, and you know no matter what you suggest or bring up your partner will be there for you.
Understanding the type of sex you have in your relationship can help you discover your attachment style, as well as your partner’s. When you know more about those styles, you can work on developing something more secure, both independently and together.
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If you’re struggling with your sex life in your relationship, you don’t have to address the issues alone. Contact us for more information or to set up an appointment. Serenity EFTC offers couples counseling in Colorado.