6 Ways Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship

Are you and your partner struggling to communicate? Do you feel increasingly disconnected, misunderstood and frustrated? Does it feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over, but no matter what or how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get through to you partner and make any forward progress? 

Does it all just feel like it’s not working?

Relationships of all kinds come with challenges, and our intimate partners can trigger us the most. Communication becomes heighted, strained or absent. You turn away from each other instead of toward each other in times of stress. You feel lonely, confused, angry and sad—sometimes all at the same time! But, you love your partner and you don’t want to give up. 

Like so many other couples who also go through difficult periods in their relationship, you know that you’re at an impasse and something needs to change. You’re not happy. And you know your partner isn’t either. Yet, you both want to make your relationship work and reconnect with the love, passion and connection you once felt toward each other. 

But how?

Perhaps couples therapy helped at first, but within a matter of weeks or months you found yourselves back in the same cycles. Maybe it didn’t help at all, and you now feel apprehensive about trying it again.  

The truth is that not all couples therapies may be effective for you and your partner. Many therapists (you might be surprised by how many) who work with couples, have not been specifically trained to work with couples. There’s also a lot of modalities out there that don’t help you get to the root of what’s under the surface triggering the disconnection. Without addressing the fears, blocks, wounds and triggers that are showing up in the relationship, change does not happen long-term. Think about it, when you’re in a heightened state—likely in fight, flight or flee—and “should” be using the tools you learned in couples therapy sessions, do you? Most likely not! When we are hurt and angry, defenses go up and all those great tools go right out the window. However, by getting to the root of the issues with your partner in a way that supports understanding, you’re able to turn toward each other. You can soothe and comfort each other so the defenses comes down and all those great tools can be utilized.  

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT) is an evidence-based, tested, proven, effective approach to helping couples. Couples who finish EFCT show increased understanding of themselves and each other, better communication, and more connection. EFTC helps couples uncover and get to the root of wounds, blocks and triggers that are affecting the relationship. It helps to shift how they interact and strengthen the foundation of the relationship. 

The Emotionally Focused Therapy process helps most couples almost immediately shift how they relate with each other. Furthermore, studies show that this process of increasing understanding and attunement alters brain chemistry. One study I find especially interesting highlights how a woman being shocked while in an MRI machine responded to pain while holding hands with a stranger and then again with her partner. Before going through EFCT, she had the same heightened mental, emotional and physical reaction to the pain while holding both the stranger’s hand and her partner’s hand. But, after the couple went through Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, the results changed. While holding a stranger’s hand, the pain registered the same. But, while holding her partner’s hand, the participant experienced far less physical pain, decreased distress and stayed much calmer, demonstrating the power of adult love and bonding. Check out Dr. Susan Johnson’s short video Soothing the Threatened Brain for more details on the study. 

1. EFCT increases safety and security in a relationship. 
2. It decreases the number, length and severity of arguments.
3. Emotionally focused therapy has been proven to lead to long lasting positive change. 
4. EFCT helps you understand the responses that DON’T promote a healthy relationship. 
5. It helps you and your partner change your interactions in ways that soothe fears, comfort each other and promote emotional closeness. 
6. Emotionally Focused Therapy has been shown to positively change brain chemistry. 

If you’re interested in learning more about EFCT and how it can help you and your partner foster increased closeness and deepen your bond, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary call to ask questions and discuss your situation, needs and goals. I offer Couples Counseling in Broomfield, CO.